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"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
The little boy came home from school, excitedly telling his father, "Daddy! Daddy! I'm going to be in the school play!"
The father said "That's great!", what part are you going to play?"
To which the son said "I'm going to play a husband!"
"A husband!", the father exclaimed, "son, you march right back down to that school and tell them you want a speaking part!"
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's art work. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute!"
A little boy came home and excitedly announced that he had a part in the church Christmas play.
"What part do you have?" asked his Mother.
"I play one of the three wise guys!"
Squawks are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by U.S. Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P)=PROBLEM (squawk) (S)=SOLUTION
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal
seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"Was he successful?"
"Yep, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."
Susie asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmy's picture, which showed four people on an airplane. So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Jimmy.
"I see...and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Susie said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot!"
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven.You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says. "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."
"One point? I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"Two points!" the man cries. "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God."
"Congratulations. That'll do it."
On a church bulletin were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and breath deeply.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you and so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why
don't You just keep the ones You have?
-Amy
Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had
their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry
Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey
Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole
world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan
Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on
vacation?
-Jane
Dear GOD,
I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me.
-Love, Alison
Dear GOD,
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?
-Lucy
Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words
in the house?
-Anita
Dear GOD,
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Norma
Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Jan
Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
-Neil
Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought
You had everything.
-Jane
Dear GOD,
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"?
Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother.
-Darla
Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Joyce
Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some
things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You
will not hurt him anyway.
-Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)
Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be a day
of rest.
-Tom L.
Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before You can look
it up.
-Bruce
Dear GOD,
If we come back as something - Please don't let me be Jennifer Horton
because I hate her.
-Denise
Dear GOD,
If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You
want, except my money or my chess set.
-Raphael
Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha! Ha!
-Danny
Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much
hair all over.
-Tom
Dear GOD,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
-Dean
Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
-Ruth M.
Dear GOD,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
-Elliott
Dear GOD,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.
-Rob
Dear GOD,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right.
He's just kidding, isn't he?
-Marsha
Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris
Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You
did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Sincerely, Donna
Dear GOD,
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you
fool."
But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do.
-Eddie
Dear GOD,
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want
you to know but I am not just saying that because You ARE God already.
-Charles
Dear GOD,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made
on Tuesday. That was cool.
-Eugene
A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath." So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guys asks "You want that pasteurized?" "Nah," the man replied "Up to my chin should do it."
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they oohed and aahed the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
Peter replied, "This is heaven; you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it is free." Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away.
Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're out is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and
Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said
that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the
shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot,
shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not
Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.
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